Kids @ Weddings; To Have Or Not To Have...That Is The Question..👶🏻👰🏽‍♀️

I know a lot of you have been waiting for this to be discussed so here goes! I asked for opinions on this topic on my @anjandpri page and it’s safe to say it was a 50:50 split. Some Brides felt very strongly that they didn’t want children at their weddings so that they didn’t have to worry about the unpredictability that children sometimes bring with them. They also wanted the parent guests to have a good time without having to inevitably run around after their children or leave early because the children were tired. Other Brides felt that they wanted children they had close relationships with there, ie nieces or nephews or children of close friends but not all children. Then there were some Brides who felt children are really important at weddings and wanted them to be fully involved.

Similarly with parents, there was an equal split. Some felt they would much rather arrange for childcare than bring children so they could fully let their hair down and have a good time. They also felt that not all children enjoy weddings as they are long days, in formal clothes and loud music. On the other hand, there were some mothers who explained they simply wouldn’t attend a wedding if their children weren’t invited. Other mothers also explained it was hard or expensive to arrange childcare and so wouldn’t be able to attend.

This just goes to show there is no right answer and ultimately you have to do what’s right for you and your fiancé. However, I have summarised some pointers to consider:

1) What Kind Of Wedding Do I Want?

Do you want a formal luxe black tie affair or a boho rustic barn style wedding? If you want the former, it may be more difficult to have lots of kids present. However if you’re doing a daytime more informal sort of wedding (I’m imagining food stalls, lawn games etc), then kids would probably enjoy this! If you’re planning a destination wedding, my advice would be to always invite them as many parents would not feel comfortable leaving their children over multiple days.

2) How Many Children?

Think about % of children of your overall guest number. If it’s more than 10% then you will definitely need to consider children friendly activities or entertainment. You will also need to think about your venues maximum capacity and if it has the space for the increased guest-list. I knew I wanted my Civil Wedding at Kew Gardens which had a maximum capacity of 200. With Nim and I being the youngest of our large family, there was no way we were able to invite kids and keep the numbers under 200 so we decided to keep our Civil as adults only.

3) How Old Are The Children?

What is classed as a ‘child’ varies from person to person. For me personally, it is under 16 year olds but for others it is under 12s. It is normal wedding etiquette to, even at adult only weddings, allow ‘babies in arms’. This basically means anyone with new borns or babies under 6 months can still bring them as the infants are heavily reliant on their parents at this age. If you are inviting children, it’s a good idea to get an idea of their ages if you are planning on arranging entertainment/food/kids area. There’s no point having face painting or a ball-pit if the majority of the children are in their teens.

4) Do Children Have Roles At Weddings?

This is entirely up to you and how involved you want them to be. A lot of Brides I’ve spoken to really want to have immediate family children involved in their ceremony. This could be as flower girls who walk down the aisle before you, a page boy who brings you the rings or I’ve even seen a ‘kids’ performance at the reception where the children in the family do a dance for the Bride and Groom.

5) Can I Have Specific Children?

Yes! Remember, this is your day so you can decide what you want. A lot of Brides include just their immediate families children, ie usually nieces and nephews. These are the children that the couple are closest to so will understandably want them there for their big day. Guests are usually understanding of this as it’s a clear line of what children were invited vs what weren’t. It usually becomes a bit more ‘blurred’ when you invite specific children outside of that, ie some friends children but not others, some cousins children but not others.

6) Does It Cost More To Have Children?

Yes! Although they are kids, you have to remember it’s still an extra seat, place setting, potentially table and an extra meal (albeit it at a discounted rate). If you are having a lot of children, this will add up.

7) How to word saying no children/ only specific children?

This is what most people find awkward, and let’s face it, it can be awkward. My two biggest tips for this would be:

a) Make it CRYSTAL clear on the invite- state the names on the invite of the guests invited. If you are planning for an adult only wedding, state that on the invite as well. If children are only invited to a part of the wedding, be very specific of timings that they are invited to.

b) Tell guests as soon as possible- even if invites aren’t ready, I’d recommend writing it with your save the date message so that guests can start to arrange childcare if necessary.

Frequently used wording for this could include:

Whilst we would love to celebrate with your whole family, due to venue number restrictions, we are having an adult only wedding.

Unfortunately, as much as we’d love to invite all children, we can only accommodate a few close family children. We hope that you will understand this decision and that you will still be able to join us on our special day

We would love to have children at our ceremony to celebrate our wedding. However, the reception will be an adults only event so you can let your hair down and enjoy the night.

8) How Do I Make My Wedding Kid Friendly?

If you are having a lot of children, it is a good idea to make parts of your wedding kid friendly. This could include:

a) Separate play areas- if your venue has multiple spaces or breakout rooms, I’d recommend using this as a kids area. This way they have a dedicated space to run around, make noise, make mess and just be kids!

b) Entertainment- face painting, soft play, popcorn or cotton candy carts, children’s entertainers (clowns, magicians, performers etc)

c) Kids packs- small goodie bags which include things like colouring books, crayons, bubbles, crosswords or games etc. It’s usually put on the table setting as entertainment during dinner. TIP- ask your coordinator to put these out AFTER the decor/venue shots as they will stand out in your photos otherwise!

d) Kids meals- provide your caterers with a children’s guest-list beforehand as quite often they’ll do meals like chips and nuggets etc which kids will prefer!

e) Creche/childcare service- I’ve seen some Brides provide this especially if a lot of their close people have kids and they want them to be able to drink/relax/dance without worrying about them.

9) How Do I Ensure Key Moments Aren’t Affected By Kids?

This is one of the biggest concerns Brides have on their wedding day. I have been at weddings when children have cried or run around during vows/speeches/first dances and it is something that can easily happen. My advice would be to kindly pre-warn parents to leave if their kids start to cry during these quiet moments and advise them to sit at the end of the row so it’s easier for them to do so. I’d also recommend asking your host or DJ to make an announcement asking parents to keep children off the dance floor during speeches and the first dance if this is something you’re worried about too. Having separate kids areas, as mentioned above, also ensures that children are kept occupied and won’t tend to be around for speeches or the first dance.

10) What Safety/Logistics Do I Need To Consider?

If there is anything that could be a safety concern or hazard, you may need to pre-warn parents of children. Things to think about are fireworks, sparklers, alcohol or food stations where you can help yourself, water features and stairs or balconies etc. Obviously children are ultimately the parents’ responsibility so this isn’t your concern on the day but it may be good to give them a heads up.

11) Compromises & Non-negotiables

As with other parts of the wedding, this may also require some compromises. If you don’t want children there but your fiancé does, you could meet halfway and maybe have children at the ceremony but not at the reception or vice versa. This goes back to what I discussed in the previous newsletter about non-negotiables and priorities. If your priority is to have certain people there who are also parents, then you should think about inviting their children. If your priority is to get married in a particular venue or destination, then you will have to accept that some guests may not attend without their children. I had invited children to my destination wedding but not my London Civil wedding. In both circumstances, I was aware not every single person invited would be able to make it, and I was okay with that.

12) Think About It From The Parents View

If guests decline your invite due to not inviting their children, try not to take it to heart. There are lots of factors involved when you’re a parent and it’s not easy to understand until you become one. Some people don’t feel comfortable leaving their kids with childcare, can’t afford childcare or maybe don’t have a support network to leave them with. If they are someone close to you, hopefully you can do something to celebrate your wedding after together.

13) Don’t Take Things Personally

What I’ve learnt over time is, despite what you try, you’re never going to please everyone. After considering all of the above points, you need to go with what you want as it is ultimately your day. As long as you can make peace with the fact that some people may not come if you exclude children, then that’s fine. Similarly, as long as you’re okay with the slight unpredictability that having young children at your wedding can sometimes entail, it’s also fine. As I always say, you need to just do you!

Hope that gives you some food for thought!

Love,

Priya