Best Man Speech

Hi ChatGPT. Its me Nim again. Thanks for writing the last newsletter for me. I think it went down pretty well. So well in fact that we need need to write another. Write something about best men speeches. Thanks.

Well well well. Look who’s back / still subscribed to these newsletters. Hopefully you’ve found the last few interesting. This week we’re looking at best man speeches. You might be wondering why I have the right to write a newsletter on making a best man speech. Well I’ll tell you. I’ve given seven, yes SEVEN speeches. Well technically the seventh will be next month and one of them was for my sister’s wedding. But still, thats a lot of speeches if I do say so myself.

More importantly however, I now work in the wedding industry and see A LOT of speeches. I’ve seen good ones, bad ones and everything in between. So based on what I know, what I’ve seen and my own mental scoring system, I know what makes a speech work; so let’s break it down*.

1) GROUP SPEECHES

If there are a few of you making a speech, just find some time between you all to do the speech together. Even if you don’t know the other speech givers that well, I’m sure you bonded in Ibiza/ an obscure Eastern European city on the stag so reach out and meet up. Nobody and I mean nobody wants to hear 3 separate accounts of the only funny story you all have about the groom.

You need to separate out different aspects of the groom’s life. Broadly, this can be split into his younger years, his school/university years and his working life years. Both/each of you can then focus on these different time periods.

Make a google doc, share the link and hold each other accountable for how much work you’re putting into the speech. You’ll be able to make sure no-one’s repeating any stories and it’s also a great way to see how your ‘funny story’ is received. It’s also a good opportunity to weave your stories together. Ideally you don’t want 3 separate speeches, but a bit of back and forth so the audience aren’t bored by the time the final speaker speaks. This will only work through collaboration.

2) THEME

This is a personal preference but I’m a big fan of themes. It doesn’t have to be anything too far out there, but even the aforementioned ‘time periods’ is a theme of sorts. It gives the audience a story to follow and keeps them engaged. In my glittering speech giving career, I’ve used Tamil star signs (iykyk), Taylor Swift songs, groom’s nicknames and time periods to name but a few.

Think about what makes the groom unique (favourite football team/ job/ odd quirk) and try and use that. It’ll give you a good base to work from and helps give structure to the speech.

3) PRIVATE JOKES

Look, you’ve been chosen to give the speech for a reason and of course you don’t want to be generic. But please choose your stories carefully. If you have to bookend the story with ‘remember that time’ and ‘oh you had to be there,’ it’s probably not a great story.

Brain-dump all of the stories you can think of and just pick the ones that are objectively interesting. I’d suggest re-telling these stories to people not involved in the wedding to see if they can follow the story. However, if it’s a story that you think guests will understand because it’s a ‘classic him’ story, then I’d run it past someone else within the wedding party and see how it lands. You may think ‘everyone’ will find it funny, but if your ‘everyone’ is the 10-man stag group at a 400 person wedding, those are not good ratios.

4) EXPLICIT JOKES

Just don’t.

5) SCREENS

Funnily enough, every time I’ve been asked to give a speech, the groom has lied about there being a screen. I don’t know whether that’s because they didn’t want me to show embarrassing photos/videos of him or because he had so little involvement in the wedding planning process that he didn’t know what his fiance has agreed with the AV team. Either way, a screen is a great way to add humour to your speech. BUT don’t over rely on the screen. There can occasionally be technical challenges (and you’ll also need to send the media files to the production team in advance), but more importantly people may not be able to see the screen. It should be used as an adjunct but not as a replacement for the speech. Scouring through Facebook/Whatsapp groups is a great way to trigger ideas and collect memories from (better) years gone by. If it’s on social media, its fair game.

6) BE NICE

At some point you need to be nice. Boring, I know, but you can’t just roast the groom continuously for 5-10 minutes. Think of reasons you’ve actually kept him in your life. If you’re still struggling, then just end with the usual ‘loyal, kind, big heart.’ If that’s still a stretch then just make sure you’ve at least said something nice about the bride.

7) VETOES

Ask about no-go’s from the groom. These will generally include ex-girlfriends, illegal activities, sexual promiscuity and things that happened on the stag. To me, these aren’t a list of things you can’t talk about, but a list of things you need to talk about smartly. Innuendos, metaphors, insinuation and superimposed photos are great ways to talk about certain things without “talking” about certain things.

8) PRINT THE SPEECH

I can’t explain why but I really hate people reading speeches from their phone. I have this irrational hatred for it. In my mind, it makes it look as though it was written while you were on the toilet. No-one is expecting you to memorise the whole thing, but please just print it out or write it on flash cards. Please. If that’s the only thing you take from this newsletter just please print it out. I will give you the £1.58 to print it out at Rymans.**

9) TIMINGS

This refers to the timings of the speech itself AND the timings in relation to the order of events. Try not to put all the speeches together. The best man speech is typically the last speech (before the Groom’s) but you don’t wan’t to leave it too late. You need to find the sweet spot between anticipation and delaying the bar opening.

You should know whether you are any good at public speaking. If you’re not, try and aim for 2-3 minutes (per person). If you rate yourself, then I would advise 3-5 minutes (per person). Anything less than this and it’s probably not worth getting up for. Anything longer and people are going to start getting hangry waiting for their butter chicken.

10) TOAST

Remember to have a drink in hand when you get up, but place it down near by before you start. You’ll need to toast to the happy couple, but you don’t want to be holding a mic, a drink and your PRINTED speech whilst standing up. Keep it nearby so that when you finish you don’t have to awkwardly toast with the air. Then put it back down and walk towards the couple and if the groom’s still speaking to you, awkwardly hug him whilst he whispers death threats into your ear.

Okay that’s 10. That seems like a good number. Thanks ChatGPT.

Thank you and good night.

Happy Writing!

Love,

Nim

*Opinions expressed here are my own and do not necessarily reflect those of Priya/ Pristine Events unless they’re really good tips in which case she will probably take credit because she’s the one making me write more of these newsletters.

**I won’t